


(it's all my fault)

by renegadeDrone



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: American Sign Language, Aphonia, Coping, Fix-It, Good Brother Diego Hargreeves, Good Sister Allison Hargreeves, Mute Allison Hargreeves, No Incest, Pre-Apocalypse, Surgery (referenced)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-05-19 17:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19361386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renegadeDrone/pseuds/renegadeDrone
Summary: After waking up in the Academy's infirmary, Allison realizes that Vanya has been horrifically wronged. She decides that she needs to help her, to do something to make up for it.or,Allison's devastation over losing her voice and her mission to reconnect with the sister she'd pushed away for so long.





	1. Chapter 1

Consciousness came back like spots clearing from her eyes after holding her breath. She remembered driving and the little cabin, and Vanya, but it came back like bits of a dream.

Her throat hurt.

Allison's vision locked onto Luther, standing above her, concern clouding his features. Her brain finally stitched her memories back together.

Talking required breathing, as she suddenly became very aware of. There was no part of her attempt to speak that didn't hurt. The air was cold, icy against the inside of her airway as she breathed in, and as her vocal cords struck together the only thing in her mind was the colour red.

“No no, don't talk, it'll cause more damage,” more? Her whole body was still reeling from the unexpected pain. She took a shallow, tentative breath. The pain was bad, but tolerable. She took another. She wanted to try again, but wasn't sure about subjecting herself to more hurt. She couldn't remember if she'd managed to produce a noise. But she had to tell Luther, warn him, about Vanya. She started to brace herself.

“Ah, okay, alright,” catching on to what she needed, Luther put a notepad and pen in her hand. Allison was relieved, but for a split second until she struggled to communicate what she'd discovered as quickly as possible.

 _Vanya_ , Allison wrote.

“We don't know where she is,” Allison mentally kicked herself. Of course he wouldn't know what she was trying to say about her.

 _Powers_ , she added, hoping that would help. The effort drained her, and she lay her head back against the pillow.

“I don't understand,”

“I do,” Pogo's voice came from the doorway. Allison struggled to look at him as he approached. “It's time for the last of your father's secrets to come to light,”

Pogo's explanation wasn't exactly what she wanted to tell Luther. Most of it shocked her too. Dad- and Pogo- had not only known that Vanya wasn't ordinary, but that she was incredibly powerful. Dad had documented everything, Pogo told them. Her abilities went well beyond what Allison had already experienced. Allison had gotten several people killed and many more seriously injured in the course of completing missions with her Rumors, but Vanya had killed multiple nannies even as a very young child. They only had Mom because human caregivers were too fragile to deal with Vanya.

Pogo didn't tell them what exactly was the final straw, but he did describe putting her on medication to dull her emotions and prevent her from accessing her powers. Allison's Rumor prevented her from trying. 

The deception had worked successfully for more than a decade, until Vanya had met someone who needed her powers for their own agenda.

Pogo couldn't- or wouldn't- explain how Vanya discovered her powers, or made them work. The Rumor and medication together should've made it impossible.

Vanya shouldn't have been capable of what she did to Allison, Pogo told them. 

But Allison heard that her Rumor should've been able to rob Vanya of her power for the rest of her life. Allison couldn't imagine what her life would be without her power, but she had used hers to steal Vanya's. 

Guilt hit her like a punch to her stomach. Had she ever been able to use her power responsibly? She'd lost her husband, Claire, and now she realized she truly had ruined Vanya's life.

She deserved this, she realized.

Allison was suddenly overwhelmed. The beginnings of a sob started in her chest, but before she could do anything it reached her throat, feeling like tearing and stabbing all at once. Unable to do anything else, she curled up on her side, wishing she wasn't awake to feel it.


	2. Chapter 2

Somehow Allison made it back to her own room. Curled up in her bed, she tried to process what had happened. She kept touching the bandages, tracing her fingers along her best guess at where her throat had been slit. Images kept flashing behind her eyes: conversations she can't have with Mom, interviews she'll never do, movies that have no roles for voiceless actresses.

Claire.

Reading her stories, recounting sanitized versions of missions. Helping her work through her homework, congratulating her on her achievements, talking to her about boys and heartbreak so she knew she wasn't alone.

God, she wished she could tell her daughter, just one more time, how much she loved her.

Whatever pain medication Mom gave her was starting to wear off, and Allison's mind started to get fatigued with the effort of blocking out the pain. She was aware of throbbing pain, that increased when she breathed. She swallowed. Her throat clicked.

Movement in the doorway drew her eye. Luther hovered anxiously on the threshold.

"You're awake," he commented softly.

Allison nodded. She pushed herself up, her neck protesting as she moved her shoulders to do it.

"How are you feeling?" Luther stepped forward to crouch beside her bed. He looked lost, powerless to help.

There was no easy way to answer his question, factually or in terms of physically communicating. She picked up her notepad.

_I'm alright._ It wasn't what she wanted to say by far. She couldn't even begin to try.

"Alright? Do you need anything? Food? Medicine?" she nodded. Luther nodded back. "I'll get Mom," His eyes were bright with worry, and when she looked, Allison swore she could see the image of her bleeding wound burned into them. He hugged her briefly, before disappearing through the door.

She was alone again. She didn't want to be.

Moments passed by slowly. The bandages felt coarse against her fingertips.

"Hi, sweetheart," Allison looked up as Grace entered her room carrying a tray. She set it down on Allison's bedside table and sat beside her on the bed.

"Are you hungry?" Grace asked. Allison nodded, and accepted the applesauce placed in front of her. "Make sure you eat slowly. Vocal cords close when you swallow to prevent solids from entering your airway. You don't have any kind of paralysis but let's make sure you're still safe," Alarmed, but trusting her mom to react properly if something was wrong, Allison tentatively put a small spoonful of applesauce in her mouth. She reminded herself of that trust before swallowing. Her throat responded with a flutter of pain, but her breathing remained unobstructed.

Grace smiled encouragingly. Allison tried another spoonful.

"When you're done I have some medication for you," As she ate, Allison eyed the small cup of pills. She recognised ibuprofen. Grace had opted to give her several smaller ones instead of one larger extra-strength ibuprofen, which was probably a good thing. Allison couldn't name the other pills. When she finished her applesauce, she took them one by one, with lots of water. She paused to observe her breathing again- nothing changed.

"Now, do you need anything else?" Grace asked. Allison reached for her notepad while she thought, but nothing came to mind. She shook her head. "Make sure you get plenty of rest, and send one of your brothers if you need anything," Grace added gently, tucking Allison in and kissing her forehead before she left the room.

 

She lay there for a long time, watching out her window. There wasn't much to look at- clouds, the tips of a tree branch. From her bed, she wasn't at the right angle to watch the city and its people. She didn't really want to.

The clouds drifted by slowly. She let her mind go blank.

The sounds of the household started to come to her. Mom was singing her way through the rooms. Luther was raiding Dad's study, looking for information about Vanya that Pogo was sure existed, but didn't know where it went. Five and Diego were arguing downstairs.

She wondered where Vanya was. Luther said he didn't know. Allison had blacked out sometime at the cabin, but she figured she remembered pretty much everything right up until then. Vanya had been screaming, panicked, and didn't know what to do. Was Vanya the one to get help? Did she stay with her until their brothers arrived? Did they hurt her?

Allison recalled Luther's shock when Pogo told him Vanya had powers. He was just finding out. If Vanya had stayed long enough to meet them, Luther would have demanded answers. She had left.

So what had happened? How did Luther know to go to the cabin? Diego was arrested, last she knew, and he had the address. Five was unconscious when they'd decided to go, and probably wouldn't know. Klaus… Allison hadn't been keeping track of him.

Vanya must have called, and fearing retaliation, fled before they could get there.

Where was she? Was she in danger? Allison worried for her sister.

The shock of losing her voice was starting to fade for Allison, revealing a mess of emotion that she had no clue how to sort out. Devastated, for one. In one argument she'd lost her job, her powers, and her ability to communicate. She couldn't begin to wrap her head around it. The more she tried, the more she upset herself.

She was angry, in a shapeless, formless way, not knowing why or who she was angry at. Vanya had lashed out at her, was the cause of this, but Dad had suppressed her power. Dad had used Allison to do it. Allison never owned up to it. Leonard had manipulated Vanya. There was no one person to blame, no single thing that could've prevented any of this. It was a whole chain of tiny disasters that led to where she was now.

And an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach told her this wasn't the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone gets too worried (fair considering this family's past use of prescriptions), Allison’s on antibiotics, anti-reflux medication, and medication to reduce her vocal fold scarring by affecting how her body produces collagen.
> 
> In the comics Allison's vocal cords are repaired by the Commission, but the fact that she can breathe/swallow says to me that Allison may be capable of regaining her voice on her own with lots of speech therapy. I'm writing this with the understanding that this is Grace's plan for her treatment.


	3. Chapter 3

Allison wandered around the mansion, searching for Five. She found him in his room, editing his probability map, and apparently having a spirited discussion with Dolores about it. She knocked softly on the door, hoping to get his attention without startling him. He glanced over his shoulder.

"Allison," he hopped off the bed, setting his chalk down on the table. "What brings you here?"

_Could you call Vanya and talk to her for me?_   She wrote. She turned her notebook around, and studied his expression as he read. She wasn't sure what to make of it.

"What would you like me to tell her?" Five spoke with unexpected softness. As Allison prepared herself to write, Five picked up his chalk again, beginning to turn away. “Let me know when you're ready,” It was a small gesture, and knowing Five it was more to avoid wasting his own time rather than courtesy to her. But he had afforded her the chance to write everything she wanted to tell Vanya.

A couple minutes passed relatively quietly as Five and Allison worked. Allison really only had a few things to say, but she had thought them through a lot before even getting out of bed. She'd also thought a lot about their childhood. She, and the rest of the Hargreeves, were bitter about how Vanya had avoided the training and torture and danger of growing up a superhero. She lacked any real concept of the burden that had been inflicted on them, instead wishing for the few positive things that came from it- the news coverage, interviews, and the closest semblance to emotional closeness that any of them could manage. She simply couldn't have known that caring about each other really meant pulled punches when Dad wasn't looking closely enough.

Vanya must've felt like she'd missed out on a lot more. Allison liked Vanya well enough, for someone she rarely talked to and couldn't see eye to eye with. As far as any of them knew, Vanya didn't have powers and they had nothing else in common. Dad talked down to her like she was worthless, and talked to the rest of the siblings like there was no point in reaching out to her. And of all the things they questioned about Dad's parenting, they all invariably put their own self-preservation above befriending the seventh sibling.

Was it any wonder that she had latched onto Leonard? She had probably dreamed her whole life of someone coming into her life and seeing her as valuable and important. Allison wondered if Vanya was ignoring the warning signs because she'd never had the opportunity to develop an instinct for when people are being genuine to her, or if she'd just wanted it to come true.

She wondered how much her Rumor had cost Vanya.

More than that, she felt like she'd opened the door to let Leonard manipulate Vanya. She could've been a better sister, could've talked to her more when they were kids, maybe tried to stay in contact after everyone left the Academy, maybe (maybe!) brought up the strange memory from when they were young. What would it have changed? Would it have been enough? They hadn't seen each other at all after she left. It didn't sound like anyone else had reached out to her in that time either. They weren't good siblings, none of them were, and Leonard had clearly taken that fact and twisted it around until Vanya believed that it was because of malice and fear.

That's why she hoped talking through Five would help. Five was gone for so long that he couldn't possibly be a part of whatever Leonard put in Vanya's head.

Allison tapped on the wall again. Five pulled himself away from his work- at a different part of the wall, she noted, but didn't have time to examine it. She passed him the notebook, and he read as they walked down the stairs to the phone on the wall. When they reached the phone, he dialled and waited for Vanya to pick up.

"Vanya? It's Five," he turned the call volume way up and angled the handset away from his ear. Allison huddled closer, listening carefully.

"Five? Wh- what's happening? Is Allison-" She sounded like she'd been crying. A heartbeat passed before they both realized Vanya couldn't bring herself to finish her question.

"Allison's alive,"

“Oh,” From through the phone, Allison could guess that Vanya was almost doubled over in relief. "Thank god… Can I talk to her?"

"She's on strict vocal rest," Five told her. Allison assumed Mom had explained it to the others.

"Oh my god… I'm so sorry," Vanya whimpered. "I didn't mean to hurt her,"

"She wants you to know she's not angry at you. She told me she blames herself,"

"Oh,"

Another few moments passed with silence on the other end of the phone, punctuated by soft sniffles. Five held his breath, and Allison mentally pleaded for one of them to say something.

"Vanya, are you okay?" Five asked awkwardly. "You sound like you're crying,"

"I'm sorry," Vanya spoke under her breath, seemingly to no one. "Uh, I- Allison left me a message a while ago... I had just listened to it before you called," Five glanced quickly at Allison. She stared back, trying to remember what she'd said. It seemed strangely long ago. "I thought I killed her..." Vanya trailed off.

"You didn't. She's still alive, I can see her right now," Five told her. "It's okay Vanya, she's young and she'll heal,"

"But it's still gonna be the last time I hear her voice, isn't it?"

Five fumbled with the question.

"It might be. I hope not,"

"I wish I could take it back," Vanya said. "I just- I was angry, and I lost control. It was an accident,"

Allison tapped her hand against Five's sleeve, nodding urgently. He brushed her hand away without making eye contact, his eyebrows knitted together.

"Allison believes you,"

"I'm sorry," Vanya was sobbing now. "I just wanted to stop her from Rumouring me, that's all! I didn't mean to hurt her like that!" Five shifted his stance, unconsciously placing himself square with the phone base. 

"I only-"

"You're not the only one who made a mistake!" Five snapped. "I get it. I really do. I can't speak to what went on in your head but sometimes shit goes wrong. That's the thing about having powers, Vanya. Shit goes wrong and there is no way to fix it. All the apologies in the world won't undo what happened. You can't take it back, and Allison's not going to magically start talking again just because you said sorry," 

Vanya's shocked silence echoed through the phone. Allison would be speechless too, injury notwithstanding.

She started to regret asking Five to help.

"I hadn't thought... right," said Vanya, lamely.

"That being said," his voice was barely tempered. "She is alive. And the only thing you can do- either of you- is let this fuck you up as little as possible,"

Allison recoiled. 'As little as possible' was still a lot in her case. Too much. Everything she had ever planned for her life was changed beyond recognition, and she had no idea how to move forward anymore- why didn't Five understand that? 

"It's hard. And yeah, I can't blame either of you if you wished it never happened. But now that the Apocalypse is stopped you'll have time to adapt. You can figure out where you actually want to go from here,"

Five spoke of time- but even knowing that he meant time to recover, heal the best that she could, and find new goals and dreams, Allison couldn't feel as comforted as she thought she should. The time seemed to stretch forward endlessly and unknowable, and Allison couldn't recall ever feeling so uncertain.

"I think..." Vanya began. "I think I just want to see her in person. I need to see that she's really not gone,"

Allison nodded along as Vanya spoke.

"Okay," Five said softly. "Let's start there,"


End file.
